Uptown Mosaic Magazine

An Uncommon Mind

Dispatches from the Republican Convention, Pt. 2

August 31, 2012 by Omar Scott in An Uncommon Mind, Politics

We shouldn’t have to watch this stuff.  My wife found me weeping in the bathroom this morning because day 2 was so brutal.  But I’m dedicated to you the reader so here we go again.

August 29th Day — 3
Three days in and there still hasn’t been any formal mention of the party platform and minimal mention of Mitt in most of the speeches.  It’s weird that Mitt Romney is nearly invisible in every speech.  This can’t bode well.  I started reading the platform and realized it’s just a rehash of the 2008 version.  I guess there’s no need to mention a laundry list of things (and nominees) that will be ignored if they gain the reins of power.  Tonight is veep night so it should interesting.

John McCain’s speech encapsulated one of the many reasons he lost to Obama.  His boring as hell speech was terrible.  He babbled for a good five minutes before I realized he was giving a live speech. It was filled with nods to the usual Republican foreign policy positions but ratcheted up since Obama has basically destroyed that as an issue.  Call me when Republicans articulate a position on Iran that is appreciably different from the president’s position.

Mike Huckabee’s speech was more of a keynote speech than Christie’s but the audience was dead.  He hit all the important Republican notes and the crowd just sat there staring into space.

Where to start with dear Condeleeza Rice?  The lipstick on the teeth?  The shrill voice? The strange annunciation?  It was all sort of a mess but probably the best speech of the night.

Paul Ryan’s speech seems to ignore the handiwork of the Republicans.  If you take his word you would think Republicans weren’t the driving force behind the near government default.  Well in case you forgot they were.  Ryan’s speech was filled with statements that bordered on outright fantasy as has been the case with most of the other Republicans speeches at this convention.  Republicans seem to have adopted a George Costanza “live the lie” policy for this convention.

Ryan mentioned a plan several times but didn’t got into even the most basic detail of this plan.  I can only assume the plan is imaginary.  But little Eddie Munster plugged on with his speech while giving us the full head flopping puppy dog eyes action.  He even mentioned Mitt Romney a few times.  After ten minutes of watching his head bob from side to side I finally yelled “Stop!”   Ryan is a formidable candidate if learns to keep his head on straight.

I don’t like to make fun of people’s children so I’ll make fun parents who dress their kids in matching outfits.  You’re running for vice president of the United States don’t embarrass your kids for years to come by dressing them alike.  That alone is a deal breaker for me (well that and the political and policy positions that are divorced from reality.)  

Tomorrow is Willard Mitt’s big day.  I predict he tells six big lies and innumerable small lies.

August 30th Day — 4
After three days of this I feel like that movie where the guy ate McDonalds food for 30 days.  It’s not a good feeling but I made it to the bitter end and I do mean bitter.

First, we’re treated to a saccharine, but well produced video about Mitt.  Apparently he’s very cheap but thinks being a mother is more important than being a businessman.  We also learn that Mitt would drop his briefcase by the door and wouldn’t think about anything but family until it was time to go to work again.  Which directly contradicts earlier attempts to humanize Mitt because they told us he’s always working.  What I got out of that video is that there are a lot of Romneys in the world.  The story about the sick little boy Mitt helped for was touching.

Back to the insanity.  Yes, I mean Clint Eastwood’s speech.  Um, what was that?  Was he drunk?   He argued with an empty chair.  Ah a good, “We own this country” aka we have to take our country back made it into the speech.  It’s only been 24 hours since we last heard that coded phrase.  This was very weird.  Clint, please see a doctor.

What’s up with these Republicans speaking about everything but Mitt?  Marco Rubio’s speech was all about Marco Rubio and his Dennis the Menace haircut.  Marco the Menace is hedging his bets for 2016.  Based on these convention speeches it’s going to be a crowded Republican field if Mitt doesn’t win.

Willard Mitt is now out to accept the nomination.  Mitt’s speech can be summed up like this: “I’m a successful business man and Obama failed you.  Did you know I’m a business man?  No?  Well I’m a successful business man.  Obama sucks!”  Mitt might want to start talking about what he brings to the table.  Oh wait he has a plan to create 12 million new jobs.  He won’t tell us what that plan is until after he’s elected.  Don’t bother him for pesky details he’s successful business man and Obama has failed us.  

That was a pretty snarky speech; not at all uplifting or visionary like you would expect from an address at an event like this.  Fact checkers are going to have their hands full with this mess. The families are out for falling balloons, waving and hugging like it’s the end of an episode of Saturday Night Live.  And we’re done.

We’re back to CNN’s cast of 1,000 pundits for reactions.  They liked it (Like Mikey they liked everything this week.  Alex Castellanos even defended the Clint Eastwood debacle by saying it made it okay to laugh at Obama now.  Please remove David Gergen from this garbage.  He’s too good for this.)  Did you know the former bandleader from Saturday Night Live was leading the convention band?  Wolf Blitzer mentioned that fact 400 times in the space of two minutes.

A guy from Massachusetts with no personality selects a folksy pretty boy as his running mate.  His whole campaign is built around his one claim to fame and that he’s not the other guy.  Sounds like the Democrats in 2004 doesn’t it?  They’d better come up with a better game plan if they  don’t want to end up like the Democrats of ‘04.

I’ll be back next week to cover the Democratic National Convention.

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