With the Republican primary season kicking off next week my Republican reader has been bugging me for a guide to help him pick the best candidate. You see unlike me he didn’t watch every episode of As The Republicans Turn. So as a public service to my Republican reader I provide this voter’s guide.
Mitt Romney – For a guy who’s been leading most of this short but tortuous nomination process he sure has a weak grasp on this thing. Nobody seems to like Mitt. He’s phony, he’s stiff, he has helmet hair and evangelicals don’t trust him because he’s Mormon. Mitt does have the appearance of sanity going for him though, it’s not difficult to appear sane when you’re running against this bunch.
It has been fun watching Mitt in the debates. He’s stayed under the radar, hasn’t suffered a direct hit and comes off as the adult in the room. He also must be excellent at Yoga because watching him twist and contort his previous positions to conform to the current Republican orthodoxy is highly entertaining. He may be the best bet for the Republicans but given the Democrat-styled self-destruction Republicans are engaged in this year Mitt won’t get the nomination.
Newt Gingrich – In a previous blog post I advocated for Newton Leroy (really that’s his name) to run because I thought he’d be funny. Newt Leroy hasn’t failed to entertain me. Every debate features him using his unique knowledge of history to question some premise. The guy knows and correctly uses every $.25 word in the dictionary.
Newt Leroy doesn’t really want to be president because the moment he ascended to the ever changing top slot of the polls he started sharing his “bright ideas”. How weird is it to suggest that child labor laws be changed so kids can work as janitors at their schools? Or to say poor kids have no work ethic because they don’t have good examples? But that’s Newt Leroy in nutshell. Cold, craven and totally inappropriate. If he wins the nomination I’m calling Ghostbusters because I refuse to live in a country where the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has chance to become president (I seriously believe Newt Leroy and Stay Puft were separated at birth).
Ron Paul – Who let the cranky old man in the race? I’ll give him credit, he has the courage of his convictions. He’s the only one in the race who I think actually believes the things he says. No matter how extreme old Ron Paul wouldn’t say it or write it unless he stood behind it 100%. Like the newsletter he wrote that said 95% of black men are criminals. Oh wait Ron says he didn’t write that? But isn’t that his signature? Whoa! Now I’m not sure what to believe about Ron Paul. Maybe he doesn’t really believe that earmarks are bad. Gasp! What if? What if he doesn’t believe what he’s said about the Federal Reserve? Could Ron Paul be just another politician (albeit racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic one)? If he wins the nomination I sincerely hope the Republican powers that be get him a tailor.
Jon Huntsman – This guy is still in the race? Who knew?
Rick Santorum – I lobbied against a Santorum candidacy for obvious reasons. I worried people would take a candidate like him seriously? It makes me happy to report that nobody takes him seriously. I guess somewhere there are two or three people supporting him but they’re most likely too drunk and high to remember to vote. Ignore him, Republican reader, everybody else does.
Michele Bachmann – My favorite Republican hasn’t feared too well. In the early days of the election she was a strong darkhorse candidate. She even won a pointless, meaningless straw poll that nobody cared about. Sadly she fell off the pace because when the craziest of Republicans realized how crazy she is they knew she was too crazy even for them.
That doesn’t mean Scrappy Doo, as I’ve taken to calling her, hasn’t been a fun candidate. In the debates I love how she tries to interject herself into whatever the serious candidates are talking about. Predictably her efforts at joining the conversation with a, “look at me I hate Obama,” comment are generally ignored. If somehow she pulls off a miraculous victory I’d have to consider voting for her to make sure she gets at least one vote.
Rick Perry – I almost forgot about Rick. Hahahahahahahahaha! That was a good one. I’m here all week folks. Rick took off like a rocket. Just as he was reaching the atmosphere his engines failed and he came crashing back to earth. He’s been damaged and useless ever since. From his debate gaffes to his obvious lack of preparation, Rick’s campaign has been a complete mess. The worst thing that happened to Rick is he opened his mouth on an episode of As The Republicans Turn. If he had just stood there looking pretty I bet he’d poll stronger. Poor Rick is about the only one who doesn’t know his election chances are shot. He’s raised a spectacular amount of money so that should keep it interesting but he has no chance.
Ronald Reagan – I know he’s not really running, but every Republican races is about him. If Republicans could carry him around Weekend at Bernie’s style I bet he’d win the nomination easily.
So there you have it. All in all it’s a motley field of contenders. They remind of the guests on Jabba the Hutt’s barge in Return of the Jedi. If Republicans are not totally crazy then Mitt will get the nomination. Since I think they’re still high on tea from the Tea Party I’m going with Newt Leroy or Scrappy Doo.