Scared

Me and my girlfriend Lee Ann were finally gonna sleep together today but she still hasn’t shown up yet to our regular meeting spot at the bus stop across the street from the side entrance doors to Boys and Girls High School where I stood at now alone. We were fourteen and school bored us so we always met here at nine after we got our attendance taken in our homerooms to leave.

I nodded to Tupac’s “When We Ride.” blasting from a car that ran a red (even though we were at war with the West Coast right now), and looked at my watch. It was 9:39. I was worried ’cause Lee Ann is never late. I wondered if she wasn’t here ’cause of me. For the last few months, I had been trying to get her to fuck me with no goddam luck. Whenever we made out at my house during the day while listening to Hot 97 on the radio, I always tried to unbutton her jeans or lift up her shirt but she would always push my hands away. In the last three weeks, I haven’t done that or brought up sex at all but last night out of nowhere, she called me and said she was ready to give it up. I did have to tell her about thirty times that I really did love her ’cause she kept asking me that shit repeatedly but I didn’t mind though ’cause it was true. She kept saying she felt the same way but it wasn’t necessary to me.

        I just hoped Lee Ann wasn’t backing out of this. It was 9:45 now and the doors still haven’t opened yet. I figured she wasn’t gonna show so I stomped my feet up the street. I was in bed all night without closing my eyes once. I just kept thinking about how I’d be making Lee Ann a woman in it come morning. I also thought about how she’d be making me a full man. I just hoped I did it right and not mess up somehow. Whenever I thought about actually boning her, my hands would shake and sweat. I tried not to dwell on messing up ’cause I’ve seen all the dirty videos and magazines I kept under my bed with my boys enough times to know what to do. In my bedroom, this morning around six I swept the carpet, hung up all my clothes in the closet, put every book I owned on the shelves, the cassette tapes on the rack and all my magazines and comic books in the boxes I had for them so it would look perfect for Lee Ann. This girl Tanya I was with back in eighth grade would only make out with me ’cause she was scared of doing more. I wanted everything now from Lee Ann but it seemed that wasn’t gonna happen today. Then again, it could. It’s not even noon yet. I tired not to sweat it too much as I walked to the subway but I did.                                      

        I walked up Classon Avenue an half hour later, after getting off the C train. I never felt right walking in Bed-Stuy even though I go to school here (’cause these people here are crazy), so I looked out for every person walking in front of, next to, or behind me. I was on my way to Lee Ann’s house hoping she was home now. I knew I didn’t have to worry about her parents none. Her dad spent his days either giving the rent, grocery, and money for the bills to the casinos in Atlantic City and her mother had jumped in front of a J train at Broad Street a few years back after leaving her job one evening. I ran across in the middle of the street when no cars were passing and went on the other side. I walked past dudes standing in front of a bodega store, this dollar store called the Pig Pen, a C-Town supermarket and a bakery. They were all drinking cans of beer in brown paper bags and trying to rap to this fine light skin woman in tight jeans that walked past them. Her ass was fat and looking at it made my dick get hard. It got hard at every chick I looked at though. I know it ain’t right ’cause I’m with Lee Ann but I couldn’t help it none. It looked good. This one skinny dude in a red sweat suit was standing in front of a dry cleaner and had Biggie’s “Who Shot Ya.” playing on the boom box resting on his right shoulder.

        I walked down Putnam Avenue to Lee Ann’s place and I finally arrived at her seven-story building down at the end of the block a few minutes later. No one was hanging around and I thought that was weird ’cause normally the crack heads were everywhere you could think of. When I walked up to the front door, I didn’t have to press her bell ’cause duck tape was covering the lock. I swung it open and went in. I frowned whenever I came here. Lee Ann told me that in the last month, a freak raped a woman in the stairwell on the last floor, thieves burglarized an apartment, and in the back alley, someone shot a crack dealer to death there. No matter where Lee Ann was at night, I’d have her call me so I could meet her at the subway and walk her home (luckily, for me she doesn’t go or stay out late much) and I’d watch her go inside her apartment. I always smiled after that.

        Her apartment was the second one next to the mailboxes. I stepped on some Chinese food menus, heard Puff Daddy talking on the radio in the first apartment, and pushed my finger down on the bell a few times when I got to hers. I got nothing. I did it a few more times and still got nothing. I kicked the wall and then walked out the building. There was still nobody around. The only thing I thought about on my way back to the subway was where Lee Ann could be at and what she was doing right now.      

        A few hours later, I sat between my boys J.C and Ray on the benches in Lincoln Road Park by the swings. We were going to go play Mortal Kombat at the pizzeria near my house as we did every afternoon when four came. The days were for my girl but the afternoons were always for my friends. I sat there and watched a bunch of young boys lying under the sprinklers with their mouths open and tongues out trying to take it all in. After I left Lee Ann’s place I went home and the first thing I did was beat off in my room while thinking about her ’cause I would have gone crazy if I didn’t. The rest of the time, I just spent dialing her number even though I never got an answer. I wanted to go see if I could try to find her now but I didn’t want my boys thinking anything was up so I stayed with them.

        I laughed when I saw J.C stretching his hands out for the hero sandwich Ray was holding but couldn’t get to it ’cause he put it under his shirt and kept it there.

             “Damn!” Ray shouted. He adjusted the black shades on his face. “I just gave you some like five minutes ago and you back wanting more.”

             “I just eat fast fool. Besides, there wasn’t any ham, cheese, or turkey on that bitch anyway.” J.C replied. “Cheap fuck,”

        Ray brought it back out and broke off a piece for him. J.C smiled at him, shoved that shit in his mouth, chewed it, and drank a bottle of fruit punch soda. After that, he picked up his Spider Man comic on his lap to read. 

             “Better have.” J.C mumbled. 

             “Greedy ass motherfucker,” Ray replied.

        J.C smiled and elbowed Ray’s arm. “Yo look. Venom is beating on Spidey harder than you beat on your meat every night.” 

        Ray looked over at the comic. “Your sister jerks me off at night after your mom does fool.”

             “I know.” J.C laughed. “They showed me the tweezers they do it with.”                           

             “Fuck you bitch.” Ray said, chewing the last of his sandwich. “I’m your daddy fool.”

        My cousin Anthony ran over to us with a small brush in his hand, breathing heavy, and his face sweaty. He stopped and brushed his hair. He had a dark Caesar haircut and real deep waves so he brushed it a lot. J.C and Ray both looked up with smiles. Ray moved J.C’s hand out the way so he and Anthony could slap each other five first. J.C sucked his teeth then gave Anthony a five. I looked at the new red and white Jordans Anthony had on with his new red Nike sweat suit and the white T-shirt with it. He was tall, fifteen and light brown. He even had a thin mustache, some sideburns, and tight muscles unlike the three of us. We were skinny and just regular height.

             “Y’all hear the news?” Anthony asked us.

        J.C shook his head. “Nah what’s up Ant?”  

             “What news you got?” J.C asked. He took out a brush and brushed his hair. He had a dark Caesar cut and waves too but there were not as many or as deep as Anthony’s were.

             “It’s big news kid.” Anthony smiled. “For real,”

             “Then spit it out man.” I said.

---

        Anthony slapped his chest slowly. “Crystal told me she’s pregnant last night. She’s carrying my seed. I’m having me a male heir in nine months man.”         

            “Are you for real?” J.C asked. 

            “Yup,” Anthony swung his fists in the air. “I’m for real kid.”           

        I thought about Crystal and figured that that had to be the reason Lee Ann didn’t show up today. They have been best friends since they met in the sandbox and they probably spent the entire day talking about her unborn baby. It made sense now ’cause Lee Ann would not miss today unless it was for something like that. This was some shit though. Anthony was not the first person I knew of that got a girl pregnant but the first one I actually knew. I could see the wide smiles on J.C and Ray’s faces and they were slapping him five before I even got a chance to. I did it after J.C and patted him on the back too. Now I knew he was gonna be even cooler and get more props ’cause he had a baby coming. He had his proof that he’d been really getting some and nobody could take that shit away from him.   

             “But what is Tamara gonna say about that?” J.C asked, folding his comic in two and shoving it in his pocket. He combed his hair a few more times and put the brush away.

        Anthony shrugged his shoulders. “The hell if I know. I’m not telling her I know that much. Tamara’s just too goddam jealous man, always thinking I’m messing with other girls.” He laughed. “I mean I do, but she started thinking that shit right away. I hate that pre judging shit.”  

             “How you get Crystal to let you bone her without a hat on Ant?” J.C asked.

             “Man don’t nobody like using those things fool.” Anthony replied, twisting the gold chain around his neck with his index finger. “I know I don’t.”

        Ray slapped J.C on the back of his head and J.C shoved him.  

             “Those shits don’t feel good none.” Ray said, rubbing his face. “They don’t.”

             “How you know?” J.C laughed. “You stop using them shits on your hand to find out?”  

        Ray stuck up his middle finger in J.C’s face. “Your sister doesn’t like them either when I fuck her at night.”

             “Ray right though.” Anthony added in. “Them things don’t feel good none.”

             “What’d ’bout that AIDS shit.” J.C said, taking a drink of soda. “That shit be ripping niggas dicks off for real. It be killing niggas.”            

        Anthony sucked his teeth. “Man we live in Brooklyn. We could get dead for our Nikes, our chains, white ass racist cops that be fiending to kill a nigga, being at the wrong place or even a fool that thinks you looking at him wrong.” He shook his head and chuckled. “Shit man we ain’t gonna live forever so while we here we might as well enjoy pussy the right way. That’s the way I see it at least you know.”

             “Man you gotta be a fag or use the needle for them AIDS to get your ass.” Ray said, taking his shades off. “My older brother told me that shit. Besides I’ve had mad girls back when I lived in Jersey and ain’t shit the fuck wrong with me.”

        J.C swung his hand on the back of Ray’s head. “’Ccept in yo mind. You stay talking that shit everyday yet you ain’t got any of that Don Juan magic here in Brooklyn. Where’s it at fool?”

        Ray waved his hand at J.C and Anthony as they laughed and slapped each other five. J.C then shoved me on my arm.     

             “Why you so quiet for boy?” He asked me.

        Before I could even answer, Ray said. “He’s thinking about Lee Ann. He’s always thinking about his precious Lee Ann.”

        He giggled and I stood up and showed him my middle finger. Ray grabbed it, put it under his nose, sniffed it, and then let it go laughing.

             “The fuck is wrong with you?” I asked, wiping my finger on the bench.

             “Man why I never smell Lee Ann’s puss on your finger nigga?” Ray asked.

        I sucked my teeth and waved my hand at him. “Man worry about your own self fool.”

             “You fuck Lee Ann with a condom on or what?” J.C asked me. 

             “Fuck no.” I said. “I know Lee Ann is clean. She ain’t got shit wrong with her.”

             “Lee Ann Bonilla.” J.C said, grinning. “I know that must be one fine sweet piece. She’s cute, as I don’t know what. If you wasn’t with her I swear boy.”

             “Well Lee Ann belongs to me.” I pointed my finger at J.C. “That’s mines.” 

             “Well you better be hitting that.” Ray said, getting up and putting his arm around my shoulders. “But if you full of shit. I could hook you up. You know how I be Mike.” He slapped me on my chest with his free hand.     

             “Hook him up at the party.” J.C said.

             “What party?” I asked.

        Ray smiled. “Moms and Pops went to back to Jersey for a week to deal with some family bullshit and me and my little brother gots the place all to ourselves.”

             “I invited every fine girl I know and there brining other fine girls.” Anthony turned to me             “You coming fool?”

             “Nah I’m good.” I replied. “I’m just gonna hang with Lee Ann.”

             “So you gonna handle you shit for real?” Ray asked Anthony.

---

             “Hell yeah, my son is gonna know me. I’m gonna be there for him no doubt. Shit he’ll have Jordans, gold chains, and a Sega Genesis.” Anthony said. He got a cigarette out his back pocket and placed it in his mouth. “My boy is gonna have everything he wants man. Believe.”

        Later on, when I left the pizzeria after getting my ass kicked in Mortal Kombat by J.C four times in a row straight and losing ten bucks to him on a bet, I walked to my building on East 18th Street by Church Avenue. When I passed by three girls jumping rope and four girls hiding behind different parked cars from the boy, facing the tree and counting loudly I saw Lee Ann standing by my door alone. She had a pair of headphones on her ears and a CD player in her hand. I swore she looked so goddamn good. She belonged on one of them Spanish soap opera I saw on TV when I was flipping. She didn’t seem real to me sometimes. Her tits were small yeah but she had this firm fat ass and that long thick shiny black hair down to her back as the girls in the music videos all have.

        I walked up to her and kissed her on the top of her head. She pulled her headphones down from her ears and pressed the off button on her player. She looked great in her red shirt, tight blue denim jeans and black and red Jordans. She had three thin gold chains around her brown neck and the flag of the Dominican Republic as a design on her belt buckle. I put my arms around her waist, pulled her closer, and kissed those pink lips of hers. She kissed me back. Her neck smelled like grapefruit and I held her even closer. Holding her not only woke my dick up but also made it feel like it was about to burst. I knew she felt it and didn’t like it ’cause she got out of my grip and backed up.

             “What’s up Ann?” I took her hand and held it. “What you listening to?”  

        Lee Ann shrugged her shoulders. “Just some Spanish rap. It’s a mix tape actually.” 

             “So what’s up girl?” I held her hand up and kissed it. “I missed you.”

             “I tried calling you at eight but you were already gone. I know about today but Crystal needed me. We were at Prospect Park all day talking.”     

             “Yeah ’cause she pregnant,”

             “How you know?” she asked.

             “Ant told me at the park today. He was all happy and shit.”

             “Well Crystal’s not. She’s scared ’cause Anthony wants her to have it. All day long, she was talking about if she should have the B or an A. If she has the B, she knows her pops will kill her. She thinks maybe her mom would let her have the B but she’s weak and her pops is a tyrant. All day long, we talked about if she should have the A or the B. She’s leaning towards the A and wants me to come with her for support if she gets it. I told her I would even though I don’t believe in it. Crystal’s so pissed at herself for telling Anthony first.”

        I ran my fingers though her hair and gave her lips a quick kiss. We walked over to a white car parked in front of my building and I leaned back against the passenger door. She stood in front of me and the boy chasing them girls around almost knocked her down when he ran past her laughing. Lee Ann just frowned and stood up straight again.

              “Ant’s gonna take care of his child Ann. Why she wants to kill his baby for?”

        Lee Ann sucked her teeth. “Crystal told me she would have it without a doubt if he stopped dicking other ho’s but she knows he won’t do that. Also he has no money to take care of a child.” 

             “Ant’s mom gives him plenty of dough from the life insurance his pops had. They got crazy paid when his dad’s mistress shot him.”

             “Anthony’s a dick I swear.” Lee Ann said, shaking her head. “He’ll never change.”

             “He’s just trying to live up to his father’s rep ’cause he feels he has to. His pops was smoother than Barry White I swear.” I pulled her close to me and tried to kiss her again but she backed her head up. “But that’s there shit. Now what’s up with you Ann?”

              “I don’t think we should do the grown up thing today. I thought about it for so long but I don’t know now. I want it, but I don’t think we should do it.”

        I felt my entire body get heated and I gritted my teeth until they started to hurt. I left the car and walked around in a circle for a bit. I stopped and looked her up and down. My dick was hurting bad for her but nothing was going to happen. Lee Ann is stubborn as fuck. Once she made a final decision about something, nobody can convince her otherwise. It hurts that Lee Ann was being so stingy with her pussy. It should have been mines this morning ’cause she’s my girl.                   

              “But I wanna know why Ann?”   

              “Crystal has a B in her and I don’t want any B in me. I couldn’t go through with an A and I don’t want to get the other A. That shit scares me.”

              “What other A?”

              “You know.” She leaned towards me and whispered. “That AIDS shit,”

              “You know I ain’t got that shit and you ain’t gonna get no baby ’cause I don’t want one either. I thought you were gonna take your sister’s birth control pills to protect you though?”

              “I couldn’t find that shit to save my life. Roxanne must have put that shit somewhere else. She always keeps it in her dresser but it was gone today.”  

        I picked up her hand, held it, and started rubbing it with my thumb. “You know I wouldn’t let shit happen to you right?”

        Lee Ann nodded her head. “I know. But I just can’t.”

              “I thought we loved each other. I know that shit ain’t change for me.”  

              “We do.”

              “Then let’s be together Ann. We could go to the party Ray’s having tonight. Come on.”  

              “I can’t. I want to but I can’t. I’m not.” 

        I knew I had to try harder but it was over when we both heard a car horn honking. I looked in the street and saw a black Nissan Maxima with all the windows rolled down stop in front of us. I looked at the light skin Spanish woman with black hair in the driver’s seat and saw it was Lee Ann’s oldest sister Angelina. She was thirty and her face was perfect. I met her at the birthday party Lee Ann had at her and her husband’s house in Queens last year. Angelina’s cool but she was fucking with me now. I couldn’t believe that Lee Ann would have her come pick her up though. 

              “Look I gotta go; we’ll talk in school tomorrow I swear.” She sobbed.

---

        I held on to her hand tight but she yanked it lose and ran over to the passenger door, opened it, sat down and slammed it shut. Lee Ann didn’t even look at me. She just moved her seatbelt over her chest and looked in front of her. Angelina didn’t say shit to me either. She just looked straight ahead at the road, started up the engine, and sped away. I looked down the street, watched the car make a right on Church Avenue after the B35 bus passed and knew my chances of fucking her were gone for now.  

        I walked off Bedford and went up Parkside Avenue on my way to Ray’s place for his party. I had on a new fresh blue shirt for it. My sidewalk was empty but across the street in front of the closed day care center’s doors, five dudes were all huddled around each other shooting dice. I didn’t want to party but Lee Ann was gone and being alone sucked. It was almost nine but my mom had to work until three in the morning so she wouldn’t know shit. I kept thinking about what Lee Ann was doing. She was probably helping Crystal deal with her bullshit. I didn’t even have time to think about how my cousin might become a dad soon. Who knew what was going to happen with that.

        The second building I passed was Ray’s and I went through the first door. The second one was wide open from a brick holding it. I walked to his apartment all the way past the elevator and mailboxes by the stairwell. I smelled weed. Mobb Deep’s “Shook Ones Part 2.” was almost finished. I pressed the bell. The door opened and Ray stood there smiling when he saw me.

              “I knew you’d come nigga.” He said, holding a red cup in his hand. His breath smelled like beer. “What’s up? Lee Ann ain’t giving you any tonight?”

              “Shut up.”      

        I went inside and Ray closed the door. He put his arm around my shoulder and we walked down the hallway together.

              “Your cousin invited some fine bitches here tonight I swear.”  

        Ray was right. When we got to the living room, cute girls with red cups and beer cans in their hands were in the middle of the floor dancing with boys I knew from school to Snoop Doggy Dog’s “Gin and Juice.” that started playing on the CD player sitting on top of the fifty-inch TV in the corner. The speaker on the side was loud. Ray’s seven-year-old brother Sean was jumping up and down on the sofa and three boys laughed as they watched him. This one short skinny girl with golden brown skin and permed black shoulder length hair walked past me. She caught my attention. I smiled when she looked at me. She smiled back but didn’t stop. Her face was cute. She continued down the hallway and I looked at her ass as she went into the bathroom. It was fat and just right.

        I heard my name called and when I turned around, I saw Anthony and J.C walking to me. J.C was holding a barely touched forty-ounce beer bottle and Anthony had an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

              “Thought you weren’t coming fool?” J.C asked.

        Anthony laughed. “Lee Ann must have given him her permission to come here tonight.”          

              “Man don’t no girl give me permission for shit. You know who the fuck I am?” I replied. Anthony smiled and we slapped each other five.   

              “Hey what’s up with this music though Ray?” J.C asked.

        Ray shrugged his shoulders. “What’d you mean man?”

              “You’re betraying home fool.” J.C replied. “Put some B.I.G or Nas on man.”  

              “Nah man, forget all that.” I replied. “This shit sounds good.” 

        Anthony nodded. “Yeah it do sound good. Keep it on man.”    

              

        An hour and a half later, I was outside in the empty hallway sitting on the staircase kissing the girl that had caught my attention. I had spoken to two other girls before but they didn’t do it for me as this one did. Her lips were soft, pink, and full. She smelled like weed ’cause I saw her smoke some before she introduced herself. Her name was Melissa and we came out here ’cause more people came and the living room had become too much. Ray has been playing nothing but Tupac, Ice Cube, and Tha Dogg Pound since he put on Snoop. He even brought out NWA’s first album. I didn’t mind and I guess no one else did either ’cause there all in there listening to The Chronic right now. Melissa also didn’t mind. She was fourteen, a freshman at Erasmus Hall High School and lived on Woodruff and Parade Place. We talked about how we were almost neighbors and threw out the names of some girls and dudes we both knew around the way. She had on a white blouse with tight black jeans. Her tits were small but that was cool. She still had my dick hard. When I placed her small hand on my crotch, she rubbed it and smiled.

              “You like kissing me don’t you?” she asked, after she stopped and licked her lips.

              “Oh hell yeah,” I said. “What about you?”

              “No doubt,” she smiled. “So you got you a girlfriend or what Michael?”

         I said, “Not anymore ’cause we broke up last week.” I don’t know why I said that. Lee Ann and I were not finished. I didn’t think we were.

         She smiled. “That’s too bad for her but good for me.”

              “You got you a boyfriend?”

         She shook her head. “Hope. We been broke up months ago,”   

              “Good.”

              “You are so cute boy. For real,”

         We kissed a little more and this time our tongues got involved. When Melissa stopped, stood up, and grabbed my hand, I knew what was up. It was actually happening. I also stood up and she held my hand as we walked to the unlocked door. We went inside and my stomach felt like something was moving around in there. My heart was beating crazy stupid fast. They were now playing some Tupac song I never heard before. We went into Ray’s empty bedroom and I sat on his bed while she closed the door. Lee Ann wouldn’t get out of my head. I really wanted her for this right now. I wanted Lee Ann so much but I knew that wasn’t happening so I just closed my eyes and thought about her. Lee Ann was the one that turned the lock on the door and sat next to me on the bed. She had me getting hard as she sat next to me and started rubbed on my chest. It was her lips pressed on my lips. I was moving my hand up and down her thigh. Lee Ann was the one that stood up, got in front of me, and unbuttoned the first then the second button on her blouse. It was Lee Ann that was about to make me a man right now.  

 

                                                      THE END

Adeola Adeniyi is a 26 year old college student at Medgar Evers College in Brooklyn New York. He was also born and still live there. He has been published in the fall 2010 issue of Black Magnolias literary journal. His influences include William Faulkner, Richard Wright, Edward P Jones and Claire Denis.

Tagged Fiction