Uptown Mosaic Magazine


Coming Soon To A Phone Near You

June 23, 2011 by Thomas Sullivan in Fiction


“Good evening, is Emma Smith available?”

“Speaking, and this is…?”

“Hello Emma, I’m with Johnson And Associates. We’re a national, non-partisan polling firm gauging voter sentiment for the upcoming Presidential election. Do you have a moment for a few short questions?”

“Well, the grandkids will be coming by soon. But if it’s quick I suppose I could…”

“Great. It’ll just take a few minutes. Here’s the first question. Would you rate the current President’s policies as somewhat socialist, very socialist, or outright communistic?”

“I’d, uh, have to say very socialist.”

“Let me just note that down here. Okay, great. Next question. On a scale of one to five, with one being somewhat damaging and five being very damaging, how would you rate the fiscal impact of public sector unions on the nation.”

“Oh, gee, I don’t know. Somewhere around three?”

“Great. Okay, just two more quick questions. Here’s the first. Again, on the one to five scale, with one being alarming and five being very alarming, how would you rate recent reports that the President is seeking to officially rename the White House as the Black House?”


“On a scale of one to five…”

“I heard you. That’s true? I didn’t see anything on TV.”

“Absolutely. According to a recent report by the Center For Truth In Politics…”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a well regarded public interest research group based…”

“FRED!! FRED!! Pick up the phone, you have to hear this! Hold on, my husband’s downstairs. C’mon Fred.”

“No problem, so how are things out there in, let’s see here, Hammerton?”


“Never heard of it.”

“That’s how we like it. Population two thousand, all-American, and proud of it. We never lock our doors. FRED!!”

“Probably not much left to steal.”

“What’s that? Your voice faded out there.”

“I, uh, said…”


“Fred, this young man just told me the most shocking thing. Our supposed President’s gonna rename the White House.”

“What? C’mon you’re kidding. What to?”

“The Black House.”


“Yes sir, it’s been quite the surprise. You hadn’t heard? Supposedly, they’ve already ordered the new paint.”

“Jesus. I knew something like this was coming. That fella’s slick, speaks English real well and all, but I knew he was up to something. What the hell’s happening to this country?”

“Oh my god. I gotta tell Mabel about this. I’m going next door, Fred. Can you answer this gentleman’s last question?”

“Okay. Jesus, this is getting unreal. Go ahead.”

“Mr Smith, would you rate the corporate tax burden as heavy, staggering, or outright crushing?”


About the author:
Thomas Sullivan’s writing has appeared in Word Riot and 3AM Magazine, among others. He is the author of Life In The Slow Lane, a memoir about teaching driver education in Oregon. For information on this title (published by Uncial Press), please visit his author website at http://thomassullivanhumor.com.


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